I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
