i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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