how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
