Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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