Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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