I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
