I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Enjoy the penises
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
