I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
