Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Quick, to the slutcave!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
