I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
