remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
