I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
