Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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