at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
