My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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