so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
