Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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