Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
