I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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