ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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