i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
