I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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