last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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