Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
