How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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