Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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