I looked at my own cervix.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
