I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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