I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
