Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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