I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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