If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
