Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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