i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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