So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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