If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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