I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
