my phone needs a breathalizer
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
