I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
They have beer where we have blood.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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