my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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