we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
