My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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