On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
