So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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