OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
It's Friday. Sex?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
