I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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