the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
