just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
