I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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