I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
