What did we do last night that was yellow?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
