doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
