my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
