you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
