Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
