True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
